Sitting here and typing this I still can't believe that he would be TWO. So much time as slipped away...so much time I have missed out on. Preparing for this birthday was very different than last year. Last year...was...hard. February and March I spent EVERY day crying...wounded...scared to what his day would be or become. I didn't handle ANYTHING well. Talking about what to do on that day was too much for me to handle. I spent so much time on my knees in complete agony over celebrating my "WOULD BE" one year old son - but without him. I can still remember the amount of pain.
This year I spent most of the weeks leading up to his birthday either thinking about or working hard on Beckett Bears (which I think totally saved me). So there was really no build up. I had planned his birthday months ago - exactly what I wanted to do all day long.
I woke up on Saturday a mess. I could hardly get through showering without blubbering all over. Once Jed got home from work that morning, I was stressed. The first thing that we were doing was donating Beckett Bears to the hospital. I thought I would have been in a better mood. All I wanted was my baby boy here. As we arrived at the hospital, we took pictures...I did not really talk to anyone. This was harder than I expected. As each child began to grab some bears to carry - the adults began to pick up the big boxes of bears...hearing the kid's laughing and so excited to give these bears to the hospital - I smiled. As we walked into the hospital and were greeted with such warmth and excitement I forgot that I was so sad - this was something special to do in honor of Beckett. I was so excited to give these woman - who have such a hard job, they are the ones that are with these broken hearted families - our BECKETT BEARS. This experience was AMAZING. I felt so much peace and happiness at providing these bears for this hospital. The hospital that tried so hard that day to give my son back to me - the hospital that provided me with a special bear - my BECKETT BEAR.
We took the bears up to a room - talking with the nurses, taking pictures. As I walked out of that hospital - the same door that I left the day he died (a door that I still had never walked through until that moment) I realized how happy I was. We did this for Beckett - this experience made my day SO much better. It reminded me why I was doing this project to being with - I wanted to provide this hospital with something that they so kindly gave me and to hopefully provide another mother and family with something that will NEVER replace what they lost BUT receive something that they can hold, squeeze and/or think about their child. I am so excited to start collecting more bears for my second drop off on August 9th.